One Day...

I am going to show this to you...


That's not why I'm writing it.


I'm writing it for myself


One day I may have to read it all again.


this is not poetry.

Thoughts - Jumbled

I've just woken up from a dream where my left came off - I had to sew it back on...

The symbolism is obvious really - Healing myself after this loss. I feel like somebody has been murdered; taken in a trice and wiped out all my happiness.

killer/victim are the same person though.

Do they not have even a shred of sympathy?

I feel like I've been set up...

Left all the clues to discover the truth for myself - And then what? A blanket refusal to engage just accusations of spying and so forth...

The virtual telescope set up in my room and focused on their hang out...

YOU LOOKED! YOU LOOKED! I'M ANGRY WITH YOU NOW!

It's now me being unreasonable....

My happiness and peace are replaced by a hole the size of them   

Why are you being so fucking nasty to me?

unsent letter 31/08/2011

S,

I just want to say that I no longer have any real anger...

I'm just so very very sad that what we had to end like this.

I know you are very angry with me for going twice into chat room, but why did you leave mirc installed and configured to go in there on my machine? 

I was trying to deal with what had happened by telling myself that you were going ostensibly for a job - You told me about the job in July , that leads to knowing you were even thinking of leaving me then. when I found out otherwise I was just so crushed and angry isn't that understandable?

I wrote what I wrote in my blog with almost the best of intentions - yes I wanted to cause your new friend some discomfort - it seems a big thing that people don't know who he really is. But I tried to be fair to us in what I wrote and it's now hidden.

I spent the weekend in Southampton and it was the most horrible I've had in a long time, knowing that I would be 100% unwelcome in W even just to try to put things on a less fraught note.

I know you are very angry, but please try to remember I am the person you loved for almost 20 years and I haven't fundamentally changed I'm the person who has tried to be there for you when it has really mattered and it bothers me, no, it causes me despair that you no longer have any regard for me at all.

Thank you for hiding your twitter feed

R

Just one final thing, I don't know if it was your intention but I can not look at or even think about the 'tl:dr' you put on your last email without crying my eyes out - please don't be that mean to me. 

S and me - Over

This is the story - I find it very difficult to repeat all this so this will be it - everything.

We met in 1992 after a short while we fell deeply in love, moved in together shortly afterwards and in 1994 bought our first house, in 97 we moved to Essex\Suffolk and continued to be very happy, I got a job in London and we moved to my dream house, I think Susie loved it too. In 2002 my Kidney transplant began to fail and by March 03 it had packed up and I was on Dialysis. I did it at home and it caused enormous Strain, I was quick to anger and s didn't have a lot of patience - things were tough, we didn't really ask for much help, but we didn't get a whole lot offered either. That is until the end of 2005 when my mum gave me her kidney. The operation and recovery were beset with problems and again the strain piled up. I honestly don't know how either of coped during that time but she was a rock

Things began to look up in 2006 I was free to live again and s had just got a new job which she was enjoying a great deal, but things between us just weren't right. Following the transplant odd things happened. I knew from puberty that I was bisexual and had the usual teen fumbling’s and what not, but after I met s she was all I ever wanted and it wasn't as if the other part of was repressed I just honestly never really thought about - monogamy was cool, just because I have a greater variety of attractions means nothing. Well as we began to drift apart the latent gay feelings came back, I think it was a mixture of not being happy and the massive cocktail of drugs coursing through my system, it's no excuse to acting on it and talking with others like me online but I did. I was looking for something to fill the void that was apparent in our relationship.

Before I did anything physical with anybody I sat s down and confessed to the feelings and we came to the conclusion that we didn't feel like we could continue. Well after a bit of toing and froing we split, I had one 'date' and quickly realised that actually all I wanted was to be happy with Susie again. I had been a very silly boy indeed. It will always be a part of me and I still have a couple of very good friends in the same position that I still keep in touch with but that's really it. She claims to have found evidence to the contrary. But my conscience is clean.

Well by that time she was looking around and being very lonely I had three or four dates with women of a dating site - After the last one I ended up in bed with s - It was a very confusing time!

Anyway, she moved out and wanted to experience the world on her own, had a few dates herself, then she went off to America and New Zealand. I took her to the airport and hid my tears and went home afterwards to sell the house. I went out to meet her for a week, she was pleased to see me it was pleasant but not very emotional. She came back and I picked her up and offered to take her to her folks or back to our house - she came with me and although she asked to try again, I said we should wait. The great big open wound you have when you split up had kind of healed over, I still had many days of wanting to be with her but just didn't want to risk opening up that wound again, I knew just below the surface it was too raw. She moved back to Colchester and didn't have a great time of it. She was terribly depressed

The house sold and I moved to where I am now, and she couldn't settle in Colchester - moved to Wivenhoe and wasn't coping despite me trying to support her, she gave her notice in and then her parents ended up taking her home in 2009. Oddly enough, this was when things between us began to get better - we spent most weekends together and rekindled our love - Well I thought so. She wanted to live in Southampton and with my health being a factor I agreed to move away from where I am. We duly found somewhere agreed a price did a survey, and then she decided that it was all wrong and she wanted to be with me in Suffolk. She pulled out of that house and we agreed she'd finish her 6 month contract come and live with me for a bit and after a few months of it all going well we would look for somewhere to buy. That changed a couple of weeks later when she pretty much demanded we buy a house there and then - we found one had an offer accepted and before this last weekend was all going through. We had booked two weeks in Cornwall for the middle of September and then we were going to live together.

A couple of months ago, she got very interested in hacking and started hanging around these American chat rooms with hackers and generally left wing kind of underground types - They may laugh at that description, but the world of Lulzsec and anonymous and irc is a mystery to me. She started to become a bit distant  phone calls started to tail off and her became unreliable - turning up fours late to meet me at Gatwick for a weekend in Switzerland and then spending her time there glued to her blackberry and getting up in the middle of the night. End of July she told me somebody had offered her a job in the states, I said that was great but what about the house us etc? She replied "I probably won't take it.

The only time she seemed to want to talk to me was when she hurt herself on an activity holiday in Wales - three phone calls in the space of 30 minutes that day. I don't know what that says really.

Last weekend she was due to come up, but I'd heard nothing and calling her on Saturday she informs me that she has some kind of job offer in Philadelphia (sp?) which she has accepted, It's her big chance they're paying her a big salary how could she refuse? We had the inevitable row, it didn't seem right, I could understand her wanting this, but she seemed utterly cold towards me - what had I done?

I did some digging on my computer - it took about 10 minutes to find traces of a twitter account - hers... Looking at it was horrible... there was no mention of a job but there was lots of public communication with another twitter user - it started in early July and by the time we were in Switzerland they were busy tweeting their love for each other. I called her up, she admitted that yes he was a factor but the job was why she was going. I was in pieces and she was just angry at me for 'spying' on her and making me promise not to threaten this man or cause trouble.

That evening I found another program on the computer - it was a chat client - she'd installed it - so I clicked on it and discovered the room where they hang out - her user was away. At that point I should have just uninstalled the program and gone and got very drunk. To my shame I didn't I. Later in the evening I logged in again and found her and him there. It was obvious to them who I was - I was dumped straight out, but not before being told to Piss off. I messaged S in there and she told me I was now stalking her and there to cause trouble... I kept asking her what could I do exactly - he was sending me stupid comments and I was very angry and upset. I should have left - I did but not before ranting at her... She then said I crossed a line and she never wants to have anything to do with me again. I was there about 10 minutes I think...

The next few days were some of the worst I have ever ever experienced - her twitter feed was just a click away - I shouldn't have looked at it, but if your partner was outside your house carrying on with somebody - how long could you keep the curtain drawn over it? Also, S has essentially refused to speak to me for transgressing her space and intimated that she will 'do something' if I try to approach her... found out late last week that there is in fact no job and she's just going to be with this new man. For some reason sat at home at 11pm and realising that she couldn't even be straight with me now, was the final straw - despite having deleted all the chat stuff I logged back in and had another rant, Boyfriend was taking the piss and I just told him to grow up and look after S - he's 20 btw.

So now everything's where you would expect it. She won't talk to me or see me at all - I sent her a mail which alongside some practical things, it attempted in a short paragraph to try put a little perspective in towards our actions.


It was returned with just the small comment tl;dr - 'internet speak' for "too long, didn't read"...


I think that little phrase really hit the mark - It actually made me throw up reading that and I cried like I haven't since I lost my action man. 


Well, I'm really not sure what the future holds, it's early days but I can't get beyond the fact that I have lost the love of my life and my best friend too...