Currently wandering around Basel, just downstream from the ferry boat that crosses the rhein. I keep recognising places from the day spent here with S. Christ, that seems so long ago now. It was just over two months back - tempted to say that so much has happened since then, but on reflection not very much has actually happened to me.
A few things that were going to occur haven't, but I'm still the same person, with broadly the same friends - lost a couple, gained a couple, same job, same house, same health issues etc.
Up to now I thought I'd lost somebody utterly irreplaceable, something tangible, but I realise now as I see the happy couples around me soaking up the sun and enjoying their being together that, sadly, ours was just an illusion... a sort of decaying reaction with a nuclear halflife of a love that was convenient for the deceiver and deceived to believe in. It was fuelled by loneliness and the desire for a situation of sorts.
Realising that I was simply an ingredient in a half baked escape plan is not something to celebrate but on the other hand it does allow me to stop having to ask myself where l went wrong does't it?
The ostentatious gifts, the saccarine words in cards, never written by hand but emanating from the same keyboard that just weeks later would tap out a noxious and invented rage.
I guess if you can attempt to convince yourself you're deeply in love you can just as easy fool yourself into a passionate hatred too?
Don't know where that all came from? And it isn't meant with any spite either.
It's too nice a day for negative feelings! The sun is scorching and the river is flowing, the water keeps moving, traveling onward towards the sea - It's a reminder of home for me. It's nice to know, to really know where that is.
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