two hundred words per day

I'm moving...

2011-10-26T01:35:00.001+01:00

Bye x.

Dorset Biscuits...

2011-10-24T14:21:00.001+01:00

Mr C bought some biscuits back from his latest Highcliffe sojourn - They're quite lovely, Dorset produce with a big picture of Corfe Castle on the front (I awarded myself an extra one for geographical knowledge) Which reminds me of my latest coincidence...

Talking to N on Friday night I told her about how I used to spend my childhood holidays in Dorset...

'So did I', she said, 'Whereabouts..?' I asked.

'Swanage', she said, 'Caravan..?' I asked, sensing something odd

'Yes', she said, 'Which site..?' I asked, weirdly excited that this purely cosmic alignment was of some importance. Which it isn't...

'Ullwell Cottage' she said , 'Oh, funny... me too!' I said...

Her parents still go down there.

Submarine

2011-10-23T22:22:00.001+01:00

We watched Richard Ayoade's Submarine last night...

It is a beautiful film, funny, knowing with crystal clear dialog that delights from the start and never lets up. It's a story of growing up/coming of age where the children are the complex important characters and the adults are the two dimensional cardboard cutouts that one sees adults as when we are children...

The mysterious N is on the train winding its way to London now and I am, for the time being left, with memories... good ones, silly ones, poignant ones.

Norman the Wheel's cat, the winning smiles and the poor fox I ran over :(

rip Dan & Marco.

Fram...

2011-10-22T22:41:00.001+01:00

A lovely but short day. Talking up to 6 then getting up for the red button... Impressive pasta and general level of domestic ability have gone down well. Drinking wine and listening to suede. #fun #nice #sat

Je suis fatigay...

2011-10-21T17:33:00.000+01:00

After all the words I used up last night and this morning I think I'm allowed a day off blogging!

We are going to the big city tonight for fun and laughs - Can't wait :-)

Adding n to x...

2011-10-20T13:49:00.000+01:00

Just another day of getting up having a shower feeding the bloody cat feeding next doors fish driving to work doing work having lunch etc. etc.

Ensconced up here, above the calm north sea I squint and pretend I can see Holland and its 57 cricket pitches (amongst other things) - I can't though. I can see the speck that is Sealand. There are no cricket pitches there. In fact there is not much there at all - Just some rust and ladders and some old broadcasting equipment.

I should imagine that Sealand flouts almost all office clichés... There would be plenty of dull moments and I think being mad is not one of the prerequisites for a job there - quite the opposite. you wouldn't want somebody flipping their wig out there on a metal island in the sea either - good idea for a film though - bit Dead Calm meets The Shining. Cheap budget though...

How much time has that filled up?

Frivolity...

2011-10-19T13:23:00.001+01:00

Me+cat+diehard+balalaika = WINNING.

Clean Clean Clean...

2011-10-18T19:11:00.002+01:00

I have a beautiful new office with a panoramic view of the North Sea - ~Somebody fucked up on the lighting though and we all have Bee and Poo standard lamps that @ this time of night cast a romantic glow over the office - it is not very business like, in fact it looks rather like a tart's boudoir...

Having said that, I don't think I have ever been in any kind of boudoir in my life, let alone a tart's one... mind you, who, apart from a tart would have a boudoir? a quick google later and I see that apparently a set of photos in boudoir style are becoming quite fashionable for the bride to be on her wedding day... I wonder if they have to borrow it off a tart though?

Anyway, I digest, something will have to be done about the lights... with this level romantic lighting I can see trouble ahead - it would be fun to speculate who in the office would succomb, but in reality there is no one, so I wont.

Lagos flight booked - that should be exciting!

Anyway, must go home and clean up - you just never know who's going to turn up do you? ;-)

Date highlights...

2011-10-17T13:05:00.001+01:00

Apart from the obvious the highlight was how the ice was broken... I turned up dead on time and was complemented on doing so... But I added that getting to soho had been no mean feat considering the engineering works and coaches and tubes I'd had to endure, so much so in fact that I hadn't even managed to find out how Colchester had got on...
N replied ' I kept an eye out for you... they drew two two, you went two up but Okunghue got sent off after 30 mins then it was backs to the wall but eventually Rochdale got it back level', top date!
Funniest moment was saying goodbye @ Charing Cross, we had a nice 'cinematic embrace' with confirmations that this would happen again, we parted and I headed down a short flight of steps... The underground entrance was shut! The trouble was I didn't want to head straight back up and bump into N again and ruin the quite lovely goodbye, so I had to stand around down there for a bit and then sneak back up, hoping I was alone... Luckily I was!
Other funny moment, being in an incredibly sophisticated soho gay bar and seeing everybody in the place glued to the massive screens showing the X factor...

Sonic Death!

2011-10-16T10:20:00.001+01:00

fb pm from pm...

So now the Gordon-Moore's have split up :-(

No more Sonic Youth? Does that really matter? After 30 years of making music there's probably enough out there to keep us entertained and new stuff wasn't hitting the highs of the past if I'm honest.

Anyway, I will miss them dearly, and will remember how they got me through my later teenage years with Sister and Daydream Nation and how I made DAMN sure the last song I listened to before the last two transplants was a Youth song. It was off sister both times. Dancing to 'Superstar' all those years ago. Going through an entire Reading festival to watch them on the last night...

Oh well....

London... For N x

2011-10-15T23:30:00.000+01:00

Old man, young man
Preachers saying amen
Taking up collection
Playing on a bass drum
How come the city it never sleeps at night?

Black cars, blue cars
Payment overdue cars
Cops with indigestion
Millionaires and some bums
How come the city it never sleeps at night
How come the city it never sleeps at night

Short girls, tall girls
Happy that they're all girls
Walking with some nice man
Holding hands and then some
How come the city it never sleeps at night

Long night, short night
Big hellos and goodbyes
Dreams of conversation
Not a single ho-hum
How come the city it never sleeps at night

It never sleeps at night

MES/The Fall

mid life crisis

2011-10-14T14:20:00.001+01:00

I bought a hoodie...

maar het heeft geen motieven of schriftelijk mee wanneer het - het hetzelfde is rijk de resterende :-)

Things you may not know...

2011-10-13T23:10:00.000+01:00

Holland has 57 cricket pitches

The people of Groeningen have an annual radisch festival where they have prizes for different types and classifications of them, the overall winner becomes known as 'de radijs vorst'.

It is illegal to mow your lawn on Christmas day in Utrecht.

Going 'Dutch' has nothing to do with Holland.

Holland was the last place in Europe to broadcast B+W television

Connie Van Den Bos, who sang 'ring ding pling pling plong' at the 1965 Eurovision song contest in Naples almost didn't make it to the show as her wooden leg was deemed a fire risk at the studio.

Dutch man Rodbert van den Arles holds the world record for the number of pickled herrings eaten in 30 minutes - the number is staggering.

Pass the dutchie has nothing to do with Holland.

The Dutch town of Breda means backward Cheese.

Fossilized pasta shapes were discovered during the excavations of the Zuider Zee in the 1950's

The Dutch have never won 'Miss World' despite having some well fit girls.

The girl that last cut my hair was Dutch, she is doing it again tomorrow.

This is Jools Holland...

Lazy Cat #2

2011-10-12T21:32:00.003+01:00

Bloody cat... I wash the sofa and she sits on the back and makes it lumpy, I forget to take the clean towels upstairs and she's on them all day - bah hurrumph grrr!

Meanwhile Hilary Dragon looks like Louis XIV.

Bit knackered, but #OccupyPortugal in Jan is finalised so something to look forward to there.

I had to listen to Kiss or something 'FM' at work today - man that was painful... Now, I'm looking forward to the move - I'll miss Z etc. but I'm too old for all that shizz now - come to think of it, I've never been the right age for that.

Breakfast of champions...

2011-10-12T10:12:00.001+01:00

nom nom nom...

You Asked!
x

Writer's block...

2011-10-11T18:38:00.002+01:00

There's an episode of spaced where Brian, the artist is in the midst of despair and painting with enthusiasm and flourishes and being really creative, he gets a phone call from Twist; she agrees to go on a date with him and all of a sudden the creative juices start to dry up. Enter Marsha the landlady, she listens to Brian's problems and quickly surmises the root of his dilemma and delivers her diagnosis thus...

'You know you're problem Brian..? you're 'appy'

I feel a bit like that - which is cool...

BUT.....

I don't want to be miserable, of course I don't! But today I feel good, thing is though there's a small glimmer on the horizon, which could be great or it could be scheisse or anything in between.

Whatever it is should be a nice cherry on the top of my mood, I'm just worried that it's actually the Icing and half the cake too? I hope not and I don't think so either - but I do like to worry...

Kill em, Kill em all!!!

2011-10-10T13:19:00.000+01:00

Social Media...

I feel all refreshed and lighter now...

Dumped half my facebook friends :-)

What is the point of being friends with people that never add anything or comment or disregard you when you bump into them?

Twitter too will remain disused in terms of updates - I'm a lot to say to a few people kinda person - No judgements but twitter is quite the reverse.

If people want to know what's going on with me they can read this.

fbook, twitter, g+ - It's like everybody standing on boxes and shouting @ each other.

Good work...

2011-10-09T22:01:00.003+01:00

I've not been terribly busy today but a few good things...

The kitchen and the bedroom are now tidy and clean
Exciting GP that ended with a Button win.
Mum had the all clear on her annual kidney check up - It's a shame we don't get born with three really!
Arranged to go to an away game in London next Saturday :-)

Lazy Cat...

2011-10-09T21:21:00.001+01:00

You just sit there,
discarding your hair...

If anybody wants to buy me a Christmas present...

http://amzn.to/nGdNR2

Up the U's

2011-10-08T22:14:00.002+01:00

2-2 Should have been a U's win - Hurrumph.

Had an almost totally bloke day with M, Up early for the Rugby international, full english at half time. To cure the disappointing rugby result we took a trip down to the market and around the castle and shared an Almond Croissant with a cup of tea. Then on to ColU where I caught up with loads of mates and a quick chat and hug with kc. We should have left victorious but the game was entertaining and those 2 points aren't going to mean anything come t'end of the season. Dropped M off and we had Chicken salad and beer.

I don't know whether I'm starting to go downhill or all the work/entertaining I've done this week has just left me exhausted, but I am just that. A day of cleaning awaits tomorrow, the house is half OK but the neglect of September is still apparent in places - As Curtis Mayfield once extolled though: keep on keeping on!

In other news the Tonbridge Angels got a last minute winner against Hampton and Richmond - proof positive that Jesus loves N more than me.

Busy Day...

2011-10-07T16:15:00.001+01:00

Loads of people, loads of work...

Quitting early for drinks and fun with friends :-)

Bright day, dark people.

A day of not very much...

2011-10-06T17:37:00.003+01:00

Today has been a difficult day to write about...

Not much has happened really... Some nice emails from friends and to friends to report :-)

Work's been different today, everybody is smart as there was a big meeting, which I'd forgotten about. Z rather cheekily said that as I had no food stains on me, I was in smart mode - le vache qui rit?

Small dilemma, do you point out to the woman in the office that her skirt has ridden up and the tops of her stockings are showing? I told her (discretely!) on the grounds I would point out to a bloke if he had any 'wardrobe issues' - an embarrassed thank you was the result.

Everyone in the meeting was super complimentary about my skillz and it was nice to hear them all say it's good to have an IT person that says 'yes' to most things - I'm sure it was not much different before - they are just a kindly bunch... Spaniards, Russians, Irish and English - we were in the Orwell hotel, which if you're a literary whizz you'll say to yourself - ah, the international brigade from Homage To Catalunya!.

We're just off for a mammoth work/pub sesh - then home to clean through for my w/e house guest :-)

On reflection perhaps the title of this post isn't really appropriate?

Check out the young fat boy...

untitled #

2011-10-05T22:22:00.002+01:00

Z's back @ work today...

Was expecting to see her on Monday, but whilst I was away her Grandma died, so she had to disappear home for a few days. But she was back today looking tired and a bit down.

The thing I like most about her is her laughing - I make her laugh and that makes me feel good, a double whammy of happiness. She's a lovely girl and talking to her is nice and simple, although she does challenge my thoughts - quite like a counselor, just as she is training to be.

We talked about funerals and letting go and the implied selfishness of grief, People are in pain and they are released from that pain through their mortality and yet we still wish them alive - Does it matter that we are wishing they suffer a little bit more so we still have them around?

Is love not the most compelling proof that humans are intrinsically selfish?

If you love somebody, set them free... That's how the song goes isn't it? It's good advice but we very rarely think that way do we?

On Iplayer I'm watching a program about transplants - only 3 of the 1500 suitable deaths per day are exploited for their bits - It doesn't really contradict my thoughts above, but at least there are some special people out there. Is one in five hundred a good enough ratio for anything?

Purity of Essence?

2011-10-05T11:39:00.002+01:00

Just received my first batch of EPO.

It's different stuff to the Aranesp I used before, this is called Noerecorman or something. so, it's back to needles and injections and stuff for the foreseeable future...

At least this stuff doesn't sting - the Aranesp was a bastard.

EPO? POE? OPE?

Weather my nature...

2011-10-04T13:13:00.001+01:00

Weather and climate are different... Any sailor knows that.
I'm sat on the beach, there's a bit of a breeze but it's a grand day for october.

If i look to my left the skies are clear...

If i look to my right it looks quite brooding...

Of the two I know what's been and what's coming... The sun is out though and despite the wind I feel warm, certainly warmer than i expected to feel right about now.

Now, I know today, this warmth and light is weather - good weather. I'm determined to enjoy every last moment of it. The trouble is all the forecasts predict that things are going to get crap very soon, that is the climate for you!

When it does, do I turn my back on it and look left and imagine there are still the clear skies of today or do I look right, straight at the storm clouds and just deal with them?

Can you outrun a storm?

Customer Feedback

2011-10-04T10:02:00.004+01:00

Dear customer...

We are always appreciative of comments and feedback directed to us and with this in mind have moved to a new design to mitigate any ocular issues you may have experienced with previous iterations of 200Daily.

We trust this is satisfactory and meets with your approval?

Lots of blogging love

Rich x

My sub-conscious and I are back on speaking terms

2011-10-03T12:45:00.001+01:00

#OpReclaimMyTunes is a go!

It is GREAT to be back home, back at work etc. etc.

The weather is still gorgeous, colleagues are great. I really feel comfortable at the moment :-)
Decided this morning I'm going to ditch the counsellor and treat myself with the £40 I save every week. I'm not especially into retail therapy but I think I'll get more benefit out of treats than the talking.

It's quite a lot of money to be told I'm doing very well and I should pat myself on the back etc.

I don't feel like I need anybody else to reiterate what I already know.
I don't need validation.
The two weeks of it helped greatly but the holiday and others helped much much more,
I'm definitely on the mend... and all I really need is time, going every week is not really going to speed that up?
If I get stuck on something I can always go back.

I'm just off for my coronation chicken sandwich :-)

Caligula would have blushed...

2011-10-02T16:36:00.000+01:00

It's another Smiths lyric...

Been listening to their singles cd as a follow up to hearing William last night...

Been listening to it whilst getting my ass firmly in gear :-)

I have been shopping and everything...
Sofa covers and chair covers washed, floor scrubbed clean and emails up to date (except for one) I'm feeling very much aliver today :-)

Think this is possibly the most at peace I've been at home alone for ages.

Yummy pork pie just waiting for me to feel peckish...

I can almost hear it calling - Moz wouldn't be happy!

Note to anyone thinking of having some pie...

How can you stay with the fat girl who'll say...

2011-10-02T03:31:00.001+01:00

Driving back to East Anglia tonight and listening to Steve Lamacq...

He played William, it was really nothing by the Smiths, apparently Red Rhino are releasing all 8 Smiths cds remastered by Jonny Marr...

I don't think I'll be buying it... but I remember when it was released as a single in 84 or 85 (more likely) it was the follow up to 'Heaven knows I'm miserable now...' and both releases manged to coincide with hospital appts I think. I certainly remember mum treating me to the one of those after a particularly crap visit to the South Hants - it might have even been when they put me in on the crap low protein diet? I remember going into Woolworths with her and and coming out with that little bit of vinyl encased in some arty smiths sleeve - it was probably a still from a British 60's film. Viv what's her name was on the back of 'Heaven' but that was more to do with her looking like one of the protagonists featured in the b side of that, which was 'Suffer the little children'.

The cover of 'William' was a bloke on a bed with his head in his hands, the pic had a greenish tint I think.
- Just checked and it was a still from a film called the 'leather boys' I can guess what sort of film it was now... What did my 14 year old brain think of that? I can't remember!

Anyway, I remember really liking the B side too... "Please please please, let me get what I want' and not feeling all that shortchanged by the total running time of the single, which was just about 4 minutes!

Anyway it's time for bed

Piggy in the middle

2011-09-30T23:37:00.001+01:00

Weird day...

I don't know where to start or where to end.

It involved so many different emotions I don't know if I am coming or going really.

But I have largely kept my cool, my counsel and the words of others to myself.

I care more about some people than I had previously realised and probably to my own detriment. I've consumed far too much potassium and walked 5 miles and lugged heavy weights in the blistering heat.

The two big positives are the support of friends and being able to look at ideas and issues and envisage the outcomes I wanted to achieve - nlp appears to work better than cit.

Eastleigh

2011-09-29T16:40:00.001+01:00

You wouldn't Adam & Eve it...

There's a groovy coffee shop here. I'm going to drink the tea and read one of my new books and then order another cup of tea and read some more.

I'd rather be having a coffee but hey ho... This is a nice place, although the two girls next to me are dreading becoming 20! Oh to have such worries in life :-) there's an ethnic vibe to the place, which is all good but the Hampshire twang of the ppl nullifies it a bit.

I guess though after days of foreign languages it's good to do the ppl watching with the sound up, as t'were.

Books don't read themselves do they...

Coincidences

2011-09-29T02:17:00.001+01:00

The Pratts behind start waxing lyrical about cyber this and cyber that... One of them, a transatlantic cyberplum, starts expounding his theory about 'security' and waxes the most lyrical bullshit you ever did hear... Now, just having read half a book on social engineering and spent a few days in the company of somebody that knows their stuff I can see the gaps in his theory...

I start chuckling and the girl opposite leans in and says, 'Christ, what a massively boring cock'. bit surprised by such a bold opening conversational gambit, but I reply 'yes, that's nicely encapsulated my thoughts' bloke across from me joins in agreeing...

Well we gassed the rest of the journey, he went to school in Ipswich and lived nr bsg, and she lives in the block of flats next to where k used to. There is another dude there who works in the boatyard that matey overlooks in his hamble pad...

Weird old world.

Will this day ever end?

2011-09-28T23:20:00.001+01:00

Now on the slowest underground train to Waterloo ever...

Hurrah... Now on a train to Southampton... Only about another hour and a half and I'll be in a bed.

A nice soft comfy bed.

I don't think i'll orget today in a hurry! One thing that has been ok is that I've spent the entire day with just myself for company. At times the scenery has been a distraction, but in the main it's just been me and my thoughts.

I left Basel with a sadness. Saying goodbye to my friends after such a good time with them wasn't the best feeling but it felt good when the kids asked when I was coming back - Tough crowd those two!

Anyway, in general I think like the end of the journey and the end of the day better than the start.

Home is close and im reasonably happy...

Addendum...
There are two complete twunts behind me, talking about a privacy app for Facebook... and shouting their email addresses loud enough for me to copy...

Now what will I sign you up for? Hahaha!

Published times are a guide only...

2011-09-28T19:22:00.001+01:00

Fuck this...

I had 25 mins to enjoy Milan and after getting the coach through the mad traffic to Malpensa, which took an hour, i fly through the security and passports control, note to K: the immigration man just waved me through with a cursory glance and batter away my clumsy attempt to produce my e-boarding pass.

So that was all great until i check the deps board - flight expected 20 mins after it is due to go.

The authenticity of the lasagna and the decent quality of the wine is some consolation though.

The temptation to check out Italy was too great, but next time I shall do my wandering in Germany where they are efficient. Still, its been a kind of interesting I guess and the scenery between Zurich and the border fair took my breath away.

At least i have Singapore to fall back upon as a worse travel experience. Hope im not tempting fate there.

Hahaha!

Still smiling :-) just!

Italy - just as I expected

2011-09-28T16:21:00.003+01:00

We had to Change trains at the border, the Italian train left 30 mins late and then hrinds to a halt after 100 yards. There is little to no information, but what there is being translated by the very chic lady opposite...

Italy: Style and chaos reigns.

I don't expect this here...

2011-09-28T16:21:00.001+01:00

My bloody Basel-Zurich Tgv was late... This meant my Zurich - Milan had gone by the time I got to Zurich.

This is not British rail! But anyway, Zurich isn't some shit place in England to while away a couple of hours. Zurich is a cool place to hang around. Following K's advice I headed down to the lake, did a bit of fare dodging on the tram as well :-)

The lake was gorgeous, i think after a long time away from the sea any large body of water was going to uplift me. The sun was again blazing and I had to take off my new coat - which is a shame as it's cool! I sat by the lake chilling out for half an hour and then fare dodged and walked back to the bahnhoff. Had a good proper imbis hotdog and now I'm back on my travels...

I should be on a Milano train, but more variations of timetable sees me heading for Chieso with promises by one of the pretty but yet to be confirmed as efficient train crew, of where to change.

Ho hum!

To Milano...

2011-09-27T21:42:00.001+01:00

Another new country tomorrow...

Never been to Italy before, quite excited by it, my expectations are somewhere chaotic with incredible culture and damn fine coffee. I need to research how I'm going to spend the half dozen hours I have there...

The Scala and the Gallery Vittoro Emanule seem just about doable, as is some supper at a half decent trattoria. Starting to regret not giving myself an extra day there and stay in some flea pit but, I'm pretty tired after a week here in this heat and if Milan is going to be hot too then a whole day and a half wandering around coupled with planes, trains and automobiles may leave me needing another week off!

Today was great! We wnet ot Alsace for the wine and ended up in this lovely village called Riquewihr (I think) Apart from all the booze shops the best two shops were a shop that sold nothing but christmas decorations - Now, as far as I'm concerned christmas is cancelled this year, but this wasn't a shop of the usual tat, and at the risk of sounding completely gay - most things were just beautiful - This wasn't a small shop but every corner I turned I was expecting the tat to begin, but with the exception of a jewel encrusted mobile phone tree decoration, there wasn't any.

The other shop was a soap shop - the soaps were all home made and they all smelt brilliant... I bought a belgian chocolate bar as a gift and it really did have the aroma of Belgian chocolate, and it far mor Belgiany than the ordinary chocolate bar they had. - was tempted to buy one of those and the cookie bar so I could
be nice and clean and yet still smell like a chocolate digestive!

After that, went to Colmar, famous for its storks and it's pockets, but not its car park spaces sadly.

A new Richie coat from a shop in France and chicken stew for tea and the soul rounded off a lovely break...

See you in Italy.

K...

2011-09-26T22:53:00.001+01:00

K has been an absolute star today :-)

She got me lunch in the posh restaurant on her campus at lunchtime and I get home to hear that she has managed to move interviews and shift meetings so she can take the day off to take me around the vinyards of Alsace tomorrow :-D

I'm touched <3 and excited :-)

Basel ferry

2011-09-26T16:58:00.001+01:00

Currently wandering around Basel, just downstream from the ferry boat that crosses the rhein. I keep recognising places from the day spent here with S. Christ, that seems so long ago now. It was just over two months back - tempted to say that so much has happened since then, but on reflection not very much has actually happened to me.

A few things that were going to occur haven't, but I'm still the same person, with broadly the same friends - lost a couple, gained a couple, same job, same house, same health issues etc.

Up to now I thought I'd lost somebody utterly irreplaceable, something tangible, but I realise now as I see the happy couples around me soaking up the sun and enjoying their being together that, sadly, ours was just an illusion... a sort of decaying reaction with a nuclear halflife of a love that was convenient for the deceiver and deceived to believe in. It was fuelled by loneliness and the desire for a situation of sorts.

Realising that I was simply an ingredient in a half baked escape plan is not something to celebrate but on the other hand it does allow me to stop having to ask myself where l went wrong does't it?

The ostentatious gifts, the saccarine words in cards, never written by hand but emanating from the same keyboard that just weeks later would tap out a noxious and invented rage.

I guess if you can attempt to convince yourself you're deeply in love you can just as easy fool yourself into a passionate hatred too?

Don't know where that all came from? And it isn't meant with any spite either.

It's too nice a day for negative feelings! The sun is scorching and the river is flowing, the water keeps moving, traveling onward towards the sea - It's a reminder of home for me. It's nice to know, to really know where that is.

Like an episode of casualty...

2011-09-25T20:00:00.003+01:00

Today was interesting...
We met up with one of H's school friends and his brother and mother. We went up a mountain and the kids alternated between climbing up a quarry face and trying to burn an entire hillside of pine trees...

It was just like the opening scene of casualty... Was one of the boys going to fall down the mountain? Would somebody cause a rockfall on the quarry face? Would an innocent passer by blunder into the fire?

More on that story later...

It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining bright and there was the barest whisper of a breeze to add to the late summer feeling - are you allowed to call it Indian summer these days?
K's friend was good fun and together we attempted to reach the top of the mountain, it was hard going, again a life in Suffolk and the anemia don't really lend themselves to summit bagging, but fortified by Merguez and extra garlicy snags cooked on the communal grill by the quarry, we pushed on and made it to the top - well as near as dammit!

Was ironic that I had an email from the EPO providers about getting me started on the stuff when I get back - i reckon I'm still in pretty good shape and that's all I can be or do really.

Not really missing the Cit either, emotions are starting to emerge from the numbness - there's a some sadness lurking and some kind of low level emptyness but good things are starting to blot out the crap for small periods. I guess that's what happens?

Whilst this is my blog I just want to use it to send a message to someone...

You're lovely!

I think so... all your friends think so... All your colleagues think so - well most of them!

You're children love you, the rest of your family thinks you are wonderful - I would imagine practically everyone you've ever met respects you...

That's the plus column!

Against that, what is there? Really? What is there contradicting that?

If this was some analysis you were doing - what conclusions would you draw from the data?

Oh yeah.... casualty...

After far too much tomfoolery around the fire H's friend decided to fall right into the bloody thing. He was in it a split second, but his leg rested on a superheated rock in the midst of the fire... As he came out it was impossible to miss the sizzling skin on the rock - a sight that will live long in the memory :-/

Thankfully quick thinking had us dousing his leg with cold water instantly for a good long r=time after - he's been left with a tennis ball sized patch of shin that's as pink as an albino's bum...

Ooh... X factor...

What really went on...

2011-09-24T23:21:00.001+01:00

Dear Blog I have a confession to make, some of the previous entry is not true...

There was no Zermatt, skiing, Permin, cow farm, vineyard, bbq or any chalet girls...

Dearest K felt that she had failed to be the perfect host. She thinks that the mundane activities we really undertook were not good enough and would lead to accusations of 'ppp' But...

Listen up! taking me to the campus where she works in order to watch her and family undertake a routine medical thingy was an odd one but it was interesting to see where she worked - it's actually a bit like a James Bond villain's base - replete with strange looking security guards - think Rosa Klebb after a Jeff Banks revamp, i was disappointed nite to see white coated technicians zooming around on golf buggies though.

After that we picked up H and went for a coffee in the tiergarten, which was just a great place, a beautiful tree shaded open air restaurant with a traditional carousel nearby - this was like a scene from The Third Man, just needed a zither playing...

Home for lunch and then a cross border raid into France for some serious megastore action - i do quite like a wander around a foreign supermerche, seeing the differences in food and just how much rubbish we English put up with.

We then had the fun of smuggling the booty back across the border - I'm sworn to secrecy over the methods and lengths K goes to achieve this. But it was literally just like a successful midnight express :-)

Dinner was a some nice steak - charolais - with a half decent bottle of Bordeaux, there was a small bit of truth in the previous entry then!

I then enjoyed, for the first time ever, watching the Xfactors. This was down to K's enthusiasm, over excitement and general reaction to it.

So, it wasn't the most exciting day ever, but I did have fun, and it was great to hang out with K. So would I do it again?

There's only one answer to that...

Fo shizzle ma nizzle!

Downhill Skiing

2011-09-24T16:47:00.000+01:00

Went to Zermatt today and had a skiing lesson with Permin Zuebriggan, apparently he's a pretty famous skier around these parts...

I managed to ski down the baby slopes but the big boy routes were a bit scary, K was zooming around like she's norwegian or something and H was soon off piste having his own adventures. They really know how to treat a guest!

We popped into France on the way back to an organic ferme de vache and picked up some rather succulent charolais prime steaks to pop on our apres ski bbq later and if that wasn't enough we stopped off at an Alsace vineyard for some good robust vin to accompany the steaks. seriously looking forward to that and meeting up with the friendly chalet girls who K has befriended in their village.

Meanwhile H is now busy writing his letter of apology to his teacher about his missing homework - wo ist der arbeiter heimat or something?

Up a mountain...

2011-09-23T19:23:00.001+01:00

Was taken out by A today, we drove south toward the Swiss interior, he took me over the 'Passwang' along the valley floor and onto and up a smaller less glamorous pass.

We drove up to around 1,000 metres and then parked the car at the foot of this wooded track. There was a sign that promised an inn further up. Being game we set off towards the promise of a beer and a sit in the sun - I forgot to say how lovely the weather was - at a 1,000m up (about 3000ft) the air was cool and crisp with a hint of thin-ness about it.

It was hard going, especially for those with a low hb count! It probably took us around 25 minutes to walk the mile or so to the summit, which in fairness was a further 200m higher than when we started. There was not a lot of conversation on the way up from me especially!

We were greeted at the top by a happy or yappy dog - flippin' autotext! - I felt a brass band would have better reflected the effort spent and the achievement on getting there. By the time we arrived the idea of beer had changed to Coke and rather fortunately the place was doing food.

The place was actually a dairy with a small eaterie and grandly vista'd terrace. As we waited for our sausages we enjoyed the view and the ceaseless clanking of the bells attached to the cows in the adjacent pasture.

The coke tasted great after the effort but sadly the sausages weren't quite befitting of the surroundings - but having earned them they were still enjoyable.

It was a lovely place to sit and eat and wonder just how ppl survived up there prior to motor cars too.

The rest of the day was fun and included a very delicious Rhogan Jhosh and 'Baseletta' a viennetta type thing you get in Basel. ;-)

In other news... toe is on the mend and H's life is in mortal danger following an email re: some missing homework.

Researched Milan leg and booked the route through the alps and the lakes.

Moodwise a good day - the endorphin release on getting to the top if the hill probably replaces the cit effect today.

Basel #2

2011-09-23T08:32:00.001+01:00

Laid in bed recovering from early starts and long journeys. If you are going to go by train then a window seat is important - d'oh.

I'm happy i came that way, I think it helps to feel a bit more connected to people if you know what's between you. Getting on a plane is all well and good but it leaves one feeling Like you're on islands, a bit like London if you only know your way around by tube.

I think i'll have a wander around Basel later or maybe pop over to Germany!

I've decided to stop taking the cit drugs. Things aren't going to get worse s-wise I'm still feeling emotional about everything but I can only see that gradually dissipating, but the tablets were/are leaving me so tired - convinced that was why I whacked the car the other day.

It's also very hard to focus and concentrate whilst on them. Admitted that's been impossible anyway but i reckon as the gloom lifts I'll pick up. Something the drugs may mask.

Picked up a very interesting book on social engineering at Barnes/noble yesterday, am currently studying micro expressions - fascinating stuff.

Basel...

2011-09-22T21:55:00.001+01:00

I finally made it to k's. The train punctuality wasn't what i expected of Swiss railways but it was aactually a French jobbie. In fairness it was only 4 minutes late!

So great to see K and her gang, mild dramas with little one having a suspect broken little toe - I guess we'll know more in the morning. Anyway, this is the best place I've been in the past few weeks. Everyone is lovely and K talks sense. No fuss no bother. It's just really good to be here.

Gare de l'est

2011-09-22T12:38:00.001+01:00

Feeling awake thanks to cafe francais, i have an hour wait for the Zurich TGV.
Not sure how 1 can live in the states US travellers on the EuroStar were loud to a man and some had no manners whatsoever!

Parisiennes altlogether far more polite.

Thanks to Google maps for getting me here.

8:00...

2011-09-22T08:00:00.001+01:00

ST Pancras.

Early and tired...

Fuss and bother...

2011-09-21T20:22:00.001+01:00

An itty bitty day of B & Q for compost and meeting with sis down at the country park in West End. Lots of fun with her family, swings and rope slides and nature trails. Little Jbear is a total nuisance! but very cute with it. After that we did the usual standing around for ages by the car nattering - I seized the initiative and invited them round for a cup of tea and an impromptu supper was had.

they're really pleased, they have finally managed to sell their house and buy a new one - I'm doing them a favour and lending them some money for a bit so they can get over their mortgage hurdles - I guess it's nice that I can help them - I feel like Kirsty Alsopp...

Popping around to big bro's new house in a bit - everyone's moving these days - it's the second time I've been there - it's still not the best feeling. being in their new house considering a couple of months ago we were swapping rightmove urls - but c'est la vie...

I did a flipping stupid thing today - I was daydreaming whilst driving back from the shops and 'kerbed' my wheel - the wheel is knackered and the tyre probably burst - luckily I was near mums and I don't need it until next week.

I'll be glad to leave here for a bit - there's lots of fussing and whilst I love them all to bits here, I'm not really appreciating it.

Roll on London, roll on Paris, Basel then who knows?

This time tomorrow I'll be surrounded by clocks, chocolate and nazi gelt.

Pound shops and Nurseries...

2011-09-20T19:16:00.000+01:00

Been out with my mum...

The title isn't really fair because we did go to the seaside and then to a castle for afternoon tea - a nice pot of Earl Grey - that and a coffee for mum and a flapjacky thing me came to £6 - not bad really you expect to pay a couple of quid per item these days, but the spectre of Granddad having a coronary at those prices was of course raised. But it was lovely surroundings and the sun came out briefly - it lifted the mood. Our walk along the sea front was under a brooding sky and against a good old headwind - god I miss my winter suffolk walks so much :( -

All work and no play leaves richie slightly less than gay!

Anyway, the Earl Grey was just what I needed, I think Vera Drake's lot were right - have a nice cup of tea? Up for murder? Have a cup of tea! Guilty of backstreet abortions? Have a cup of Tea! Kidney Failure? Have a small cup of tea! - Oh dear that was a bit black! Careful Rich...

After the tea we went cruising down Highcliffe main road, loads of Juntique shops and pound shops - mum mentioned this one that her dad always used to go in - I remembered it, specifically going to buy a small set of something for 50p and mum whispering to me to put it back as granddad had got me some for my birthday... He'd be spinning now if he saw my new £30 a month phone! So, we walked around this shop with it's children's inflatables and garish towels and 99p SCART leads and we both came to the conclusion - it was a bunch of fucking toss!

We went to Tesco got a sandwich each and some Cottage Cheese (Fatfighters dietary staple apparently) and buggered off back to the car.

We had to divert on the way back to take in a nursery and buy strawberry plant holders and then I had to give my opinion on lots of plants, Mum asked me what was wrong - I would have thought it obvious I wasn't really into playing Gardens right now.

Well, we're off to quiz in a bit - the excitement is never ending around here.

some pretty flower beds at Highcliffe castle.

Tired...

2011-09-19T22:45:00.001+01:00

Finally made it down to mum's. I dunno what's up with me, so tired all of a sudden... I think it must be the dual holiday and things moving on effect? Well at least I've not picked up anything, like what happens when you relax after s stressful time. Just in serious need of sleep.

Light off...

Achievements...

2011-09-19T10:47:00.002+01:00

I have collected my prescription - Kind of :-)

I have got cat food :-)

I have booked my train to Basel for Thursday - :-D

I have booked a flight from Milan to London middle of next week - :-)

Yet to work out how to get from Basel to Milan or when - how exciting :-)

So much to do

2011-09-19T07:42:00.001+01:00

Weight...

I feel so very heavy right now, like an oil tanker you see at Fawley... It's rather odd seeing as I weigh less now than i have done for the past five years or so.

But it's mostly just mental coupled with a bit of anemia - ha! Tapping anemia into this device gives me amnesia as a word option - if only we had the ability of choosing to 'amnesitise' ourselves? So anyway this heaviness...

t's the complete opposite of the adrenaline and endorphine rush you get when you're excited or falling in love, I remember those feelings, where you feel light as a feather and almost unstoppable. I guess though in a world or is it the universe? Where every action has an equal an opposite reaction, you have to pay for that rush later?

I guess it's no wonder then that you end up with people that turn their backs on possible happiness for the fear of having to pay for it later?

I will not end up like that - I'm too much of a sucker for hugs to end up like that.

I digress, it's the heaviness that is stopping me get up, I remember becoming anemic and depressed in 2002 when the last transplant was failing, it became so bloody difficult just to get up by lunchtime. I must guard against this.

It's just gone eight - time to get up then. Lots to sort out before i leave for Richie hols.

Poo time...

2011-09-18T20:01:00.001+01:00

Well, I'm having one but the puss has had one!

It must be the first since Wednesday or Thursday - this is all a bit scatological but I think it was a close run thing that it came out, but sod it, She'll be fine with lots of next door love and gravy based food too. Hide the dry stuff and leave out plenty of water - not that she ever drinks the bloody stuff.

First day of S being overseas, and somehow it changes things - or is that the 20mg of Cit? - But no, the limbo period is over, there was no last minute change of heart - not that I ever expected one.
But there's the certainty to things. In a way my kidney problems overshadow everything else in my life - not on a day to day basis but the inability to trust in good health more than a couple of months into the future. so, in a way her getting on that plane means my future is certain in one way at least.

I've not looked @ S's Twitter feed for almost a week - I did have a quick look to make sure she'd got there - she's there and complaining about the Tea - so I guess she's OK then!

Had a really really nice call with K, I'm off there later in the week - I think I still need to give my mum a couple of days somewhere too - she's been great and was expecting some time in Cornwall and did lots of re-organising to accomplish that. A couple of days getting treated nicely I think? My dad was going to come down for a bit too, I think I'll invite him up for a few days or something - It'll be nice to go back to Switzerland - I really 'love' K and can't wait - Whilst I'm generally avoiding doing things that I did with S, this is an exception - besides, she wasn't really with me in Switzerland - looking at the pictures I took by the lake, she just happened to be physically in the same place, spiritually she was miles away.

So I'm going to go Eurostar to Paris and then train to Switzerland, I may book a cheap flight back from Milan and train it From K's to there - Should be fun,with all the cheap flights available now there's something quite exciting about walking to the station and getting a train to a far off place.

Puss Cat...

2011-09-18T13:08:00.001+01:00

Has gone on poo strike again - fucking little sod!

Plans for groovy replacement holiday has to be put on hold, vets on Monday, hopefully it aint too wedged up...
A few days of neglect and she gets the sulks big time...

Home Thoughts...

2011-09-17T22:15:00.001+01:00

Well, I'm home after a nice trip to Sheffield, the football was dreadful - we were lucky to lose three to nil, but I'm really enjoying kc's and the little one's company - I even managed to blag a chunk of Yorkie off him today :-) It's nice have the good music and the conversation - and lots of coffee stops too.

Some small annoyances she's having did a good job in taking my mind off other events of the day. And as I write textual information received from another close friend indicates there is trouble at a another mill.

Not a good day for interpersonal relationships...

Tired... Bed...

Jane Eyre and other tales of woe?

2011-09-17T07:25:00.001+01:00

Had a really nice time with z last night. She is very emotionally literate, unlike me, who according to a letter from Linda at the hospital is 'emotionally labile' - yeah i didn't know what it meant either...

Up and down apparently...

To be honest i haven't spotted much 'up' in there lately. So, last night, it was just nice to be in such good company, i hope we can meet up some more. Despite the subject matter Jane is a good film to watch in such circumstances, there are no Americans, twitter or ipads in it. Though judging by the trailers it was probably the only one to guarantee that!

Time to get up for Football in a bit. Well today is all about survival. By the time im back in this bed, S's words will be actions.

Insert pithy comment here...

It never rains #2

2011-09-16T18:00:00.001+01:00

So this bloody holiday in Cornwall... something unfortunate has happened...
they've had a water leak - they can't accommodate us, so there's a full refund in the offing!

My phone breaks - I get a new better one
My Holiday Breaks - I'll do something better
My wife fucks off - well, who knows?
Kidney is screwed - Again we'll have to wait on that.

To be honest I'd rather be with a broken phone a shit holiday and a kidney and S, but we take what we can get in life. But I just need to keep busy busy for the time being and who knows?

Cinema will be fun as will the football tomorrow - after that who knows? but like I said, lots of lovely time off work and some money in my pocket - #OpFreeYourself - hark at me, very lulz and l33t.

Get your motor running, get out on the highway is playing on the ray-dio - an omen? a portent? What the flips the difference?

Home...

who knows x3 - Get a new phrase mate. Mind you, who does?

Brighter later

2011-09-16T00:04:00.000+01:00

So, after the shitness of the day things are a bit better...

I'm going out with z tomorrow night, hers for a drink and then to watch Jane Eyre... I suggested a movie - I thought it might be a distraction, Jane Eyre will be a good choice - blissfully English and tech free :-)

My phone finally broke for good, so now I'm the proud owner of a GSII - it's a super cool phone with so much on it that I'll be discovering things for weeks - a bit remiss though, hadn't backed my google contacts on the old phone for a while - the restore from the web, brought back loads of unwanted numbers and a few are missing :( It was free on an 18 month contract - you cannae whack that.

Dinner this evening was Beer and Pizza with MH - was good to see him again and talk about stuff - I found out the reason he loves the Palace lots too ;-) Gonna miss him when he goes.

The double cit and the beer I drunk are taking their toll now.

Bed...

Tomorrow is just another day

It just pours...

2011-09-15T18:44:00.001+01:00

Phone call from Linda...

Kidney function down, hb down - start on EPO within the month :-(

Change of plan #2

2011-09-15T09:32:00.000+01:00

Feeling a little bit sorry for myself today.

Hopefully it will pass?

I wonder if getting up would make it easier?

Or booze, drugs, sex, rock n roll?

Dear Mr Einstein,

very interested in your theories on time travel, I'd like the idiot guide pls?

Just a few days forward pls.

The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind - just a film sadly

Change Of Plan...

2011-09-14T16:10:00.000+01:00

So, then...

Postpone Cornwall until next week, not being at mum's and far too close to S on Thursday\Friday is for the best. Once she's gone I think I'll handle driving past Heathrow and all that that means. Football in Sheffield on Saturday will take my mind off the inevitable and then find something great to do on Sunday and then travel down on Monday seems like the best plan of action to me.

Don't know how long I'll last in Polperro, but mum is being very understanding - bless her.

If I can't handle too much I'll pop over to Basel for a bit.

Reality is that the next few days are going to be crappy wherever I am, but I think damage limitation is the order of the day here.

I'll get through it, but as with football, there are always winners and losers, but being positive who knows what the rest of the season has to offer?

Result...

2011-09-14T01:46:00.000+01:00

Another draw for the Colu, but whereas Saturday's was down to conceding in injury time, tonight's was us scoring after the 90 and with only ten men to boot :-) As Woody's free kick hit the back of the net, I felt joy for the first time in about 4 weeks - it was fleeting, but it was there - so there's hope :-)

Football matches and relationships, aren't exactly analogous, but during tonight's game the Brentford fans were enjoying themselves, they were playing well and in the lead - a good experience, but the end result for them was crap, that's what they'll remember - For us it was 90 minutes of rubbish and then a moment of unbridled joy, both teams came away with the same result, but we'll have the fonder memories - it's late that was going to make some sense but it didn't really.

My phone broke on the way down today, just wouldn't switch on - I was unable to check my mail or receive texts for about six hours - I felt a bit panicky to start with, what if I missed something? But ffs! what's so really important that it can't wait a few hours? A cheery up text from K a call from mum? All great and I love them but I should be able to go more than a few hours without requiring some kind of reminder that somebody is thinking about me. In a way it was nice to get home and see what turned out to be mostly crud. Anyway it's working now - umbilical cord re-attached doctor...

As forecasted lots of good chat with kc and some decent music too - she very caringly moves her playlist on one if there's a potentially upsetting song about to come on - fuck! there are a lot of songs about breaking up out there - it was a relief of sorts when the S club 7 came on...

I must acquire some Shins, Little Man Tate and Shed Seven's rendition of Cliff's 'Wired for sound'

my music is dynamite!

Decided I'm going to go to Orfordness before it closes for winter.

Relax...

2011-09-13T12:57:00.002+01:00

Just sitting here trying to relax...

I feel like I'm a passive observer of body's processes, just feeling how all my muscles are far too tight and I'm far too tense. I need to be a bit more in control of it really - 'get in touch with it' or get into some mystical eastern exercise or something? The book I have on relaxation is helping though...

Breathe in slowly 'Slow'...
Breathe out slowly 'Down',

Breathe in slowly 'Slow'...
Breathe out slowly 'Down' Repeat until relaxed (or bored)

I just realised trying to type with relaxed shoulders is hard work!

I'm off to football in London later - going with with kc, so lots of chat on the agenda just wonder if I'll be able to stay awake on the journey home - but at least I'll sleep tonight :-) Footie was good on Saturday, should be fun tonight too.

Only 1 fag so far today, but breakfast too! down to 87 kilos.

Lunch...

Good Morning.

2011-09-13T06:53:00.001+01:00

I'll never be a morning person, but no matter what time I go to bed I'm currently unable to sleep past about 5:45. Once I awaken my mind starts racing and further sleep is next to impossible, of course the flipping pigeon om the roof helps very little.

Deflation...

2011-09-12T16:50:00.000+01:00

Felt so good after counselling last week - probably because I was at a really low ebb and couldn't go any further down. this week was different, she really challenged my thinking - I guess she was getting me to see S's wanderlust in a different way?

Was I really that much different? Being at ease on my own during the week and enjoying the weekend company - maybe 24/7 domesticity isn't for me either? It's funny how life changes though...

She did say I deserved a big pat on the back for handling the goodbye well - I think we both did, but obviously I was best!

I recall one day back in June when S wasn't coming up til later and we'd been real busy the past few weekends and I just slobbed and watch Golf, Cycling and some motor racing, i remember the bliss :-) Trouble is the thought of having nothing but telly gives fear.

Feeling tired.

Had a final current location mail from S. It was nice that she remembered puss and wished me well. Just when I needed it a mail and virtual hugs from K arrived :-)

Must clean house and sort out stuff for holiday, 7 days with mum followed by a few with dad will be interesting - I expect my mum will be up for 'making the most' of it - not entirley sure I am! But it's kind of them to come.

Brentford tomorrow with Kc and hopefully beer with mh on Wednesday - Must pack tonight!!!

Now what should I have for tea? Something healthy less K tells me off (again).

Sunday... my own 9/11

2011-09-12T08:11:00.000+01:00

Well it's now Monday and I've seen S, possibly for the last ever I'm sad about that.

Meeting was essential though, unless she was putting on a damn good act I couldn't see any hostility there. The last few weeks have been hell because of the leaving and the hate. But knowing that realistically she was going to up and go at some point tempers the leaving part. Her eyes have always been straining to see just what's over the horizon.

And it's such a relief to see the hate dissipate, we've both been daft in action and reaction to things and it's good that there is the basis of trust there again - knowing her love of symmetrical things, meeting for the last time in a pub in w after meeting in a pub in w all those years ago, I'm sure will satisfy her somewhat.

Her new world sounds absolutely fascinating, scary too, but like something out of Hollywood movie - just hope she makes it to the epilogue. Must try not to get too interested - it's not really fair.

Back @ dad's and after the wii bowling (numb as fuck) what am I doing here? I call K and she's very relieved, bless her, the emotion of Saturday's phone call helped put things into perspective... As far as I'm concerned that was all real, but she's a sly old fox. Also text kc who had wished me luck the night before...

Every time I get an email or text at mum's she's like: Is that one of your male friends? Where does he live? Have you met him? What part of email buddy doesn't she get?? Any I did get a lovely mail from mj wishing me luck and giving me some useful advice - too late cos the mail arrived 5 mins after meeting - but I think I unknowingly followed most of it.

Spent a nice couple of hours with mbro and family, very understanding, for some reason they never got to read the blogpost so I had to actually do the whole 'bisexual bit' face to face - no problems there.

Drove home rather quickly and bought more fags - naughty naughty boy!!!

Couldn't sleep too well, got tor'd up and had a look around the hidden wiki, needs another look, but I suspect the really good stuff is buried deep deep deep. A bit like me - haha!

Counselling in a bit...

Mon 12 Sept 8AM.

If only we'd read this.

2011-09-12T07:34:00.001+01:00

How to break up

Littlepuss

2011-09-04T08:50:00.000+01:00

She's started coming up to see me again...

She quite clearly isn't bothered by S leaving... I suppose having had her full time since S's breakdown and for the London and world cruising bits it's no surprise really - I should strive to be more cat like.

It's so tempting to google for S and find out what she's up to - K said that she'd had a problem with a flight on Friday - hence at the airport - hope it wasn't self caused and that she's now where she wants to be...

Anyway must stop thinking of her and work out what today brings - not much chance of company: M in Slovakia, K in Switzerland, R&H, N&S all away... Just need somebody for shits and giggles really.

Must look at doing a night school - good timing there thanx S!

Rough/Smooth

2011-09-03T23:10:00.000+01:00

I had a really good day out Kz, the conversation was good (it helped) Music was very acceptable - all in all it was my best day since all this happened...

Of course I'm home now and alone on a Saturday night - this is, I know going to be crap, we spent most of these together - tomorrow will be even worse I expect - I need some positivity!

Tonight has whistled by thanks in part to some sm banter with kz.

Tired now.

Reflection....

2011-09-03T05:35:00.000+01:00

the phone call seemed to dissipate some of her anger...

It's five in the morning, I can't sleep as per usual and am listening to downloads of 'That was then, this is now" AIOTM with production values and without the swears.

Can't get the bloody woman out of my head, that and the pain from a bruised\gouty big toe will prevent further sleep I think...

Spoke mum last night, she wants to know plans for holiday... Do I pick her up? do I want to be in Southampton the night before S flies away [for ever]

She Phoned

2011-09-02T15:43:00.000+01:00

I had to phone her back using her American Skype number - new phone - doesn't want to give me the number...

She sounded pretty bad and perplexed as to why I wanted to meet - Said only teenagers break things off on the phone. She's going to think about it...

I'll try not to think about it.

She was in an Airport - wonder which one?

Accepts she didn't handle the whole thing very well but is still angry for me logging in to chat room - told her it pretty easy as she left the button on the screen...

All a bit pointless really.

Feeling Sick...

2011-09-02T11:46:00.000+01:00

K texts to tell me she's going phone after a meeting - she has news...

It's obviously going to be bad news, although stupidly I'm allowing myself to think something else has happened - good news or something. Logic tells me this is utter impossibility - my stupid flipping imagination is doing overtime with happy scenarios - stop it you fucking traitor!

Just enough time to elapse between text and phone call to build up hope - for which I will obviously suffer later. I am a fool to myself - a complete bloody fool.

The reality is I will not stop being pathetically optimistic until she is on that plane.

That can't be soon enough really...

Post Phone Call..

S is still very angry with me, she doesn't hate me apparently but is still not calm enough to speak or meet me. I think this helps - she is clearly being a complete .....

Obviously I'm more than peed off but the more ridiculous this 'anger' she has continues tells me what I need to hear.

Starting to appreciate what she has done to me.

You can jerk somebody around for years, coming in and out of their life, good enough for some things not quite good enough for others, you can then demand houses here and there changing your mind as you go... You can rely on me to be there when you are hurting and in pain or having bad thoughts - expect me to forgive you for lying to me about things. You can then effectively leave me on the cusp of living together, house buying and holidays for someone you've never met - not even bothering to tell me face to face. Thank me for Anniversary flowers, fuck up our trip to Switzerland, start the lies back in July...

I fuck up four years ago and pay and pay and pay, I then react with pain and anger when you lie to me about US jobs and have your thing sprayed across twitter feeds and chat rooms installed by you on my computer. Ruin some of my favourite songs - DJ twinkle you sound so sweet - you aint.

and you are the one that is angry???

Well yeah sure...

I hate mornings...

2011-09-02T08:13:00.000+01:00

I wake up with a big empty lump (if such were possible) in the stomach...

Well my brain is telling me that - in fact this is all in my brain isn't it?

SV stayed at work with me until gone seven last night - she is training for counselling and she is very perceptive - said things that made a lot of sense. Independently confirmed things about S despite only meeting her for about 5 minutes. Perhaps I was too close to see what was really what?

Got home and was messaged by M from work, she is going to teach me the art of concentration - I seem to have lost it - any control I can take over my brain will be an advantage... The mechanism we are going to use is shooting, real actual guns - something to look forward to.

Can't reiterate enough the amazing support everyone at work is giving.

No news from K about meeting S - Why does S not reply? Maybe she has? How much longer can she keep up unjustified anger?

Counsellor on Monday.
Citalopram not really working yet.

Renault Kid...

2011-09-01T20:22:00.000+01:00

Met a bloke coming home from work, He has a rather swish car, it's like mine but not so powerful he's only 19, he's spent loads on it though. He would have mine in a flash I think - It's all about the power and the glory...

Kind of impressed that he just came up to me and started talking - pretty girlfriend too.

Kz has come up trumps

2011-09-01T12:40:00.000+01:00

Invited me to the U's match @ Scunthorpe - Bless her!

Wise K Words...

2011-09-01T12:33:00.000+01:00

What you are going through is a grieving period. It's shit, it hurts but no amount of analysis will change it.

lunch time....

2011-09-01T12:32:00.000+01:00

Paid Carl the window cleaner - another one amazed by all that's happened...

Popped into the Estate Agents - yes she has told them about the house, luckily for all it resold in an afternoon - hence no 'For Sale' sign showing ever... Agent said she had not returned calls for some time, I guess this should be no surprise but again it's more upset - WHY?

Anyway, at least if I bump into the owners in the street I won't feel too guilty.

K has mailed S about us having a meet - I don't know if it's a good thing, I guess all will depend on what happens - If it happens...

I need to ask questions that have answers
I need to not get angry
I need to break down the wall of hostility
SHE IS GOING TO AMERICA
But, I can not let her go with Anger\Hate I am NOT going to be a source of motivation

not enough sleep

2011-09-01T07:21:00.000+01:00

Nice meal with Sue and Neville, everyone at work being super...

N's drunk opinion is that I'm being treated like an arsehole - so I shouldn't act like one - fair enough. Also said if he found me hanging he would think I was a wanker - not sure where that came from? Besides a trip to the Co-Op and a bunch of bananas would do the trick without the need for DIY/rope skillz. Also said that women don't loke men that cry - has he heard me bawling? I haven't done much really. I just have to see tldr and my eyes do moisten it's true. Mail from C, their ex was indistinguishable from evil - "do we ever really know anyone?"

It's 7:10 Am and I've had about 3 hours sleep...

I no longer think about the other man (om) in this, I more bothered about S and her actions... why didn't I realise something was up? complacency or just a willingness to beleive she was becoming less reliant (a good thing)

I'm tired... I need Sleep.

The only thing thats stop me calling\contacting S is my promise to K - christ what would I do without her?

One Day...

2011-08-31T16:50:00.000+01:00

I am going to show this to you...

That's not why I'm writing it.

I'm writing it for myself

One day I may have to read it all again.

this is not poetry.

Thoughts - Jumbled

2011-08-31T16:46:00.000+01:00

I've just woken up from a dream where my left came off - I had to sew it back on...

The symbolism is obvious really - Healing myself after this loss. I feel like somebody has been murdered; taken in a trice and wiped out all my happiness.

killer/victim are the same person though.

Do they not have even a shred of sympathy?

I feel like I've been set up...

Left all the clues to discover the truth for myself - And then what? A blanket refusal to engage just accusations of spying and so forth...

The virtual telescope set up in my room and focused on their hang out...

YOU LOOKED! YOU LOOKED! I'M ANGRY WITH YOU NOW!

It's now me being unreasonable....

My happiness and peace are replaced by a hole the size of them

Why are you being so fucking nasty to me?

unsent letter 31/08/2011

2011-08-31T16:42:00.000+01:00

I just want to say that I no longer have any real anger...

I'm just so very very sad that what we had to end like this.

I know you are very angry with me for going twice into chat room, but why did you leave mirc installed and configured to go in there on my machine?

I was trying to deal with what had happened by telling myself that you were going ostensibly for a job - You told me about the job in July , that leads to knowing you were even thinking of leaving me then. when I found out otherwise I was just so crushed and angry isn't that understandable?

I wrote what I wrote in my blog with almost the best of intentions - yes I wanted to cause your new friend some discomfort - it seems a big thing that people don't know who he really is. But I tried to be fair to us in what I wrote and it's now hidden.

I spent the weekend in Southampton and it was the most horrible I've had in a long time, knowing that I would be 100% unwelcome in W even just to try to put things on a less fraught note.

I know you are very angry, but please try to remember I am the person you loved for almost 20 years and I haven't fundamentally changed I'm the person who has tried to be there for you when it has really mattered and it bothers me, no, it causes me despair that you no longer have any regard for me at all.

Thank you for hiding your twitter feed

Just one final thing, I don't know if it was your intention but I can not look at or even think about the 'tl:dr' you put on your last email without crying my eyes out - please don't be that mean to me.

S and me - Over

2011-08-22T21:19:00.000+01:00

This is the story - I find it very difficult to repeat all this so this will be it - everything.

We met in 1992 after a short while we fell deeply in love, moved in together shortly afterwards and in 1994 bought our first house, in 97 we moved to Essex\Suffolk and continued to be very happy, I got a job in London and we moved to my dream house, I think Susie loved it too. In 2002 my Kidney transplant began to fail and by March 03 it had packed up and I was on Dialysis. I did it at home and it caused enormous Strain, I was quick to anger and s didn't have a lot of patience - things were tough, we didn't really ask for much help, but we didn't get a whole lot offered either. That is until the end of 2005 when my mum gave me her kidney. The operation and recovery were beset with problems and again the strain piled up. I honestly don't know how either of coped during that time but she was a rock

Things began to look up in 2006 I was free to live again and s had just got a new job which she was enjoying a great deal, but things between us just weren't right. Following the transplant odd things happened. I knew from puberty that I was bisexual and had the usual teen fumbling’s and what not, but after I met s she was all I ever wanted and it wasn't as if the other part of was repressed I just honestly never really thought about - monogamy was cool, just because I have a greater variety of attractions means nothing. Well as we began to drift apart the latent gay feelings came back, I think it was a mixture of not being happy and the massive cocktail of drugs coursing through my system, it's no excuse to acting on it and talking with others like me online but I did. I was looking for something to fill the void that was apparent in our relationship.

Before I did anything physical with anybody I sat s down and confessed to the feelings and we came to the conclusion that we didn't feel like we could continue. Well after a bit of toing and froing we split, I had one 'date' and quickly realised that actually all I wanted was to be happy with Susie again. I had been a very silly boy indeed. It will always be a part of me and I still have a couple of very good friends in the same position that I still keep in touch with but that's really it. She claims to have found evidence to the contrary. But my conscience is clean.

Well by that time she was looking around and being very lonely I had three or four dates with women of a dating site - After the last one I ended up in bed with s - It was a very confusing time!

Anyway, she moved out and wanted to experience the world on her own, had a few dates herself, then she went off to America and New Zealand. I took her to the airport and hid my tears and went home afterwards to sell the house. I went out to meet her for a week, she was pleased to see me it was pleasant but not very emotional. She came back and I picked her up and offered to take her to her folks or back to our house - she came with me and although she asked to try again, I said we should wait. The great big open wound you have when you split up had kind of healed over, I still had many days of wanting to be with her but just didn't want to risk opening up that wound again, I knew just below the surface it was too raw. She moved back to Colchester and didn't have a great time of it. She was terribly depressed

The house sold and I moved to where I am now, and she couldn't settle in Colchester - moved to Wivenhoe and wasn't coping despite me trying to support her, she gave her notice in and then her parents ended up taking her home in 2009. Oddly enough, this was when things between us began to get better - we spent most weekends together and rekindled our love - Well I thought so. She wanted to live in Southampton and with my health being a factor I agreed to move away from where I am. We duly found somewhere agreed a price did a survey, and then she decided that it was all wrong and she wanted to be with me in Suffolk. She pulled out of that house and we agreed she'd finish her 6 month contract come and live with me for a bit and after a few months of it all going well we would look for somewhere to buy. That changed a couple of weeks later when she pretty much demanded we buy a house there and then - we found one had an offer accepted and before this last weekend was all going through. We had booked two weeks in Cornwall for the middle of September and then we were going to live together.

A couple of months ago, she got very interested in hacking and started hanging around these American chat rooms with hackers and generally left wing kind of underground types - They may laugh at that description, but the world of Lulzsec and anonymous and irc is a mystery to me. She started to become a bit distant phone calls started to tail off and her became unreliable - turning up fours late to meet me at Gatwick for a weekend in Switzerland and then spending her time there glued to her blackberry and getting up in the middle of the night. End of July she told me somebody had offered her a job in the states, I said that was great but what about the house us etc? She replied "I probably won't take it.

The only time she seemed to want to talk to me was when she hurt herself on an activity holiday in Wales - three phone calls in the space of 30 minutes that day. I don't know what that says really.

Last weekend she was due to come up, but I'd heard nothing and calling her on Saturday she informs me that she has some kind of job offer in Philadelphia (sp?) which she has accepted, It's her big chance they're paying her a big salary how could she refuse? We had the inevitable row, it didn't seem right, I could understand her wanting this, but she seemed utterly cold towards me - what had I done?

I did some digging on my computer - it took about 10 minutes to find traces of a twitter account - hers... Looking at it was horrible... there was no mention of a job but there was lots of public communication with another twitter user - it started in early July and by the time we were in Switzerland they were busy tweeting their love for each other. I called her up, she admitted that yes he was a factor but the job was why she was going. I was in pieces and she was just angry at me for 'spying' on her and making me promise not to threaten this man or cause trouble.

That evening I found another program on the computer - it was a chat client - she'd installed it - so I clicked on it and discovered the room where they hang out - her user was away. At that point I should have just uninstalled the program and gone and got very drunk. To my shame I didn't I. Later in the evening I logged in again and found her and him there. It was obvious to them who I was - I was dumped straight out, but not before being told to Piss off. I messaged S in there and she told me I was now stalking her and there to cause trouble... I kept asking her what could I do exactly - he was sending me stupid comments and I was very angry and upset. I should have left - I did but not before ranting at her... She then said I crossed a line and she never wants to have anything to do with me again. I was there about 10 minutes I think...

The next few days were some of the worst I have ever ever experienced - her twitter feed was just a click away - I shouldn't have looked at it, but if your partner was outside your house carrying on with somebody - how long could you keep the curtain drawn over it? Also, S has essentially refused to speak to me for transgressing her space and intimated that she will 'do something' if I try to approach her... found out late last week that there is in fact no job and she's just going to be with this new man. For some reason sat at home at 11pm and realising that she couldn't even be straight with me now, was the final straw - despite having deleted all the chat stuff I logged back in and had another rant, Boyfriend was taking the piss and I just told him to grow up and look after S - he's 20 btw.

So now everything's where you would expect it. She won't talk to me or see me at all - I sent her a mail which alongside some practical things, it attempted in a short paragraph to try put a little perspective in towards our actions.

It was returned with just the small comment tl;dr - 'internet speak' for "too long, didn't read"...

I think that little phrase really hit the mark - It actually made me throw up reading that and I cried like I haven't since I lost my action man.

Well, I'm really not sure what the future holds, it's early days but I can't get beyond the fact that I have lost the love of my life and my best friend too...